That's exactly what I did Friday. I got bad news, rejection for another job. Yes, I know what I have said about working for myself and my hate for corporate America but hey we all gotta pay the bills right?
Its rough to hear no... to feel like you aren't good enough. I have been struggling with serious self esteem issues since before the ex left, have all my life really. Confidence is a funny thing, sometimes I feel like the most amazing, capable, gorgeous, sexy creature on the planet, other times I feel completely worthless, frumpy, fat, unlovable, stupid. Sometimes its harder then anything to pull yourself up, those are the red means (yes that's a rip-off, Holly Golightlyism) but its a great description of how I feel. The red means are rough, way worse then the blues.
I got out and then took my laptop to bed to watch mindless YouTube videos; I am currently addicted to Official Nerd Cubed and his British accent, hilarious dialogue, and Minecraft how to play videos. I also took a stack of my fav movies and had every intention of staying in bed and ignoring the world. Only BF was not going to let me, he came into the room and asked if he could lay with me... "NO". Such a B! He slunk back to the man cave and I could hear him playing a game, poor guy, I knew he was full of anxiety but I just couldn't see past my own misery to be concerned about his.
|That's Dan from Official Nerd Cubed in a Minecraft "Buildly Thingy Video" on YouTube|
He headed out and I headed back to bed because while the mean reds where gone they are generally followed by the blues my therapist has told me its normal. What now? I looked through my movies, but nothing grabbed my attention. I surfed around YouTube and Facebook, I thought about reading some blogs, since I am way behind, but that just wouldn't, work my brain was not ready to focus. Then I remembered a commercial I had seen 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' has a new season going. I quickly located the latest season online and began with episode 1. Soon I was wrapped up in the 'troubles' of the women. I have watched this show before and have my fav ladies, Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, and my not so favs Adrian Maloof. I know this seems a strange and vapid, waste of time, but watching them and their 'problems' helps give me a perspective on reality. The problems of rich girls always makes me think about what is really important, and actually Lisa is a great example of what is really important, family and friends who are supportive and real. It only took a couple of episodes to get me past my blues and back to reality. I have an amazing man, a wonderful apartment, great friends, 3 beautiful children and enough money to pay my bills, my brain screamed at me "girl get it together"! I knew what I had to do. I got up, got dressed, got in my truck, drove to the store and got canola oil and something to eat (I felt better but not up to cooking dinner). I got home, colored by hair, did a pedicure, watched a few more episodes and then about midnight got up and started some cupcakes. Yellow cupcakes with milk chocolate frosting. I wanted them to be perfect and warm from the oven when BF got home at 1 a.m. I wanted to say thank you and I'm sorry. I need to make amends and tell him I appreciate you and everything you do for me.
Today we got those donuts and went out and did a little 'yardsalein'. We talked about what happened, and I told him again how much I appreciate him and how important how he gave me my space was to me. We drove around the different neighborhoods of our new town and laughed about how I know it better then he does. We dreamed a little about the future and where we might like to live someday or if we won the lottery. He played it off like it was no big deal, but I know it was hard and frightening for him. I am kinda glad it happened it was a learning experience and we passed the test with flying colors. I know that with time and his love my confidence will grow and be rebuilt. I feel it already with just the reassurance that he gave me with his support yesterday instead of anger.